3 conditions only parents can provide

Parenting is a lifelong journey, and even as the mom of an 18-year-old and a 22-year-old, I’m still working on building Rest, Relationship, and Room in our home. These three concepts from Dr. Gordon Neufeld continue to shape how I show up as a parent, even as my kids grow into adulthood. And whether your child is 2 or 22, I think these ideas can transform your parenting too.

Rest: A Place to Land

Rest isn’t just about our kids taking a nap (though sometimes, wouldn’t that be nice?). When Dr. Neufeld talks about rest, he’s referring to something deeper—helping our children find emotional rest. This means creating a space where they can stop fighting for attention or feeling constantly on guard. It’s about being the calm in their storm, the "barn" they can come back to when life feels overwhelming.

This isn’t always easy. With younger kids, it can mean sitting with them while they work through a tantrum or a meltdown, allowing them to let go of the frustration that’s been bubbling inside. For teens and young adults—like my own—it’s often being a steady presence in their lives as they navigate a world full of pressures. Even now, I remind myself that I can’t shield them from every storm, but I can be that guiding rope that brings them back to a place of safety when things get tough.

Relationship: The Heart of Parenting

Parenting is all about relationship. Dr. Neufeld emphasizes that we are meant to care for our children, and that caregiving is where we find our dignity and fulfillment. We are wired for connection, and the deeper the relationship, the more anchored our children feel. It’s not about perfection. We all have moments where we feel we’ve fallen short (I know I do!), but it’s about being intentional in our care.

Sometimes, especially when our children get older, the relationship shifts. We go from being their world to watching them step out into the world. My son and daughter are still finding their way, and I’m learning to provide care in a way that respects their independence while still nurturing that bond. It's like tending a garden—making sure the roots stay strong, even as the branches stretch out further.

Room: Freedom to Be

Room, in Dr. Neufeld’s sense, is creating a space where our children can truly be. It’s a judgment-free, shame-free, guilt-free zone where they don’t need to armor up or hide behind masks. It takes trust and faith to let go and let them grow at their own pace, especially when doubt creeps in. But I’ve learned that giving my kids room to make mistakes, express their feelings, and be who they are is one of the greatest gifts I can offer.

This idea reminds me of the Five Freedoms from Virginia Satir—a beautiful framework for what room can look like in practice. We want our children to have the freedom to:

- Say what they think and feel

- See what is, not just what should be

- Honor their emotions

- Ask for what they need

- Take risks on their own behalf

As a Baha’i and Waldorf mom, these freedoms feel so aligned with the values I hold close. Room gives our children the opportunity to discover their own voices, and more importantly, their own resilience.

A Baha'i quote that beautifully aligns with the themes of nurturing, creating space, and guiding children in their growth comes from `Abdu'l-Bahá:

"Where there is love, nothing is too much trouble and there is always time."

This quote speaks to the heart of parenting—where love guides our actions, and through that love, we create the time and space (the "Room") for our children to grow, rest, and flourish. It also emphasizes the importance of building strong relationships and being present, even when the journey feels challenging.

Parenting with Purpose

Dr. Neufeld’s approach isn’t just about survival; it’s about helping our children thrive. The fruits of Rest, Relationship, and Room—emotional adaptability, the ability to handle life’s challenges, and the space to grow into their true selves—are things I still work toward in my own family. Parenting is never done; we’re always planting seeds, pulling weeds, and nurturing growth.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed in your parenting journey, know that I see you. I’ve been there (and I’m still there some days!). But with these three R’s—Rest, Relationship, and Room—we can create an environment where our children, no matter their age, can flourish. You don’t have to do it perfectly. Just keep showing up with love, and watch your garden grow.