Is Your Parenting Style Right for Your Child's Age? The Governor, the Gardener, and the Guide

Here's a simple and powerful way to think about your role as a parent as your child grows, inspired by parenting expert Kim John Payne. It's called "The Governor, the Gardener, and the Guide."

This model shows how your approach to parenting should change as your child gets older. Here’s how it works:

The Governor Parent (Ages 0-9): Setting the Foundation

When your child is younger (0-9), your role is like that of a "Governor." Just like a good leader, you’re helping to create order and security in their world. Here’s how:

- Set Clear Boundaries and Routines: Little ones feel secure when they know what to expect. Simple things like regular bedtimes, meals, and routines help them feel safe.

- Provide Structure: Instead of giving too many choices, offer clear directions. For example, "It’s lunchtime, let’s eat!" instead of asking "What do you want for lunch?"

- Focus on Rest, Play, and Healthy Food: These early years are critical for their development, so encourage unstructured play (especially outside), and limit screen time.

- Respond With Calm Authority: When they test boundaries (as all kids do), stay firm but warm. Avoid harsh punishments that might damage trust.

At this stage, you’re laying the foundation for a strong, healthy home.

The Gardener Parent (Ages 9-12): Nurturing Growth

As children grow (around ages 9-12), you shift into the role of a "Gardener." Now you’re focused on helping your child grow more independent while still supporting them along the way. Here’s what this looks like:

- Cultivate a Growth Mindset: Teach your child to see mistakes as opportunities to learn, and encourage them to face challenges.

- Encourage Creativity and Exploration: Help them try new things and discover their passions—whether that’s sports, music, art, or something else.

- Foster Open Communication: Listen to their thoughts and feelings, even when they seem unimportant. Make sure they feel safe sharing what’s on their mind.

- Encourage Responsibility and Independence: Let them take on more tasks, like helping with chores, managing their time, or making family decisions.

Your job now is to help them grow into their unique selves, offering a safe space for them to explore and learn.

The Guide Parent (Teenage Years): Supporting the Journey

When your child becomes a teenager, your role changes again to that of a "Guide." Teens are figuring out who they are and what they want in life, and you’re there to support them along the way. Here’s how:

- Respect Their Independence: Your teen needs space to figure things out on their own, even if they make mistakes or don’t always agree with you.

- Keep Communication Open: Stay in touch, even when the conversations are hard. Listen to their feelings and share your perspective respectfully.

- Offer Guidance and Support: Be there to help them deal with challenges like school pressure, friendships, or relationships. Encourage them to seek advice from mentors when needed.

- Trust Their Journey: Have faith in their ability to learn from their experiences and become responsible adults.

At this stage, your role is to walk beside them as they navigate the challenges of growing up.

Finding Your Parenting Style

The Governor, Gardener, and Guide model helps you understand how your parenting needs to adapt as your child grows. By adjusting your approach to fit each phase, you can support your child’s development and help them thrive.

Parenting isn’t always easy, and there will be challenges along the way. But by embracing these different roles, you can build a loving, supportive foundation that helps your child grow into the amazing person they’re meant to be.

If you’re feeling unsure about how to make these shifts or need help connecting with your child, I’d love to support you. Let’s work together to make your family life feel more joyful and authentic.