“I’m so stupid!” - why do our kids say these things about themselves and how do we help?
Shame can feel like an invisible bully, constantly whispering to your child, "You're not good enough." Unlike guilt—which nudges us to fix our mistakes—shame attacks who we are, saying, "I am bad." For kids and teens who are still figuring out who they are, shame can be a heavy weight to carry.
Is Shame Sneaking into Your Child’s Life?
Here’s how to spot it:
Negative self-talk: Phrases like "I'm so dumb" or "I'll never be good at this" are red flags.
Avoidance: They shy away from challenges, worried their fears might come true.
Big reactions to small problems: A minor mistake sparks a meltdown—it’s not about the mistake; it’s about deeper feelings of inadequacy.
Blaming others: Shifting blame can be a way to protect their fragile self-esteem.
Perfectionism: They push themselves to be perfect, terrified of being seen as "less than."
Even tiny hiccups can feel monumental for kids who are especially sensitive, so these signs deserve our attention.
How to Start the Shame Conversation
Talking to your child about shame might feel tricky, but it doesn’t have to be. Here’s a simple script to help:
Start softly: "Hey [name], have you ever felt like you’re not good enough? I want to talk about that."
Explain shame: "Sometimes we mess up, and instead of just feeling bad about what we did, we feel bad about who we are. That’s called shame."
Give examples: "It’s like thinking, ‘I’m stupid,’ instead of ‘I made a mistake.’"
Validate their feelings: "It’s okay to feel this way sometimes. Everyone does."
Separate shame from guilt: "Guilt helps us improve, but shame makes us want to hide."
Mention specific behaviors: "When [behavior] happens, I wonder if shame might be part of what you’re feeling?"
Keep the door open: "Talking about shame can make it feel smaller. You can always tell me what’s on your mind."
Share your story: "I remember feeling ashamed when I [example]."
Reassure them: "I love you no matter what. Your mistakes don’t define you."
How to Help Your Child Beat Shame
When shame takes over, kids can’t grow or learn effectively. These strategies can help them push back:
Validate their emotions: Let them feel heard without jumping to "fix" things.
Separate behavior from identity: Teach them that mistakes are what we do, not who we are.
Celebrate effort, not perfection: Praise their grit, determination, and small wins.
Model kindness to yourself: Show them how to say, "It’s okay. I’ll try again."
Make space for conversations: Let them share feelings without fear of judgment.
By tackling shame with empathy and understanding, you help your child build resilience and a stronger sense of self-worth. Mistakes will no longer feel like a threat—they’ll become stepping stones toward growth.
You’re not just raising kids; you’re raising confident, compassionate human beings who can face life’s challenges head-on. That’s a win worth celebrating.