The Inuit Way of Parenting: Calm in the Chaos

Parenting can feel overwhelming, especially in those moments when everything seems to fall apart, and the chaos takes over. In those times, it's easy to feel like our minds are scrambled and we're not sure what to do next.

One parenting style that really intrigued me is the way the Inuit people approach raising young children, as described in Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaeleen Ducleff, PhD. The Inuit parents show an incredible calmness in the face of tantrums and emotional upheavals, and I find myself wondering, how do they do it? One example stands out: a toddler is throwing a tantrum, kicking and screaming, and even digging his nails into his mother’s face, drawing blood. Yet, her response is calm and relaxed. How is that possible?

It turns out that the Inuit have a completely different perspective on why children act out. They don’t view misbehavior as manipulation or disobedience, but as a sign of immaturity. They understand that young children don't yet have the capacity to fully control their emotions or impulses. This insight shapes how they respond to their children in these difficult moments. Instead of reacting with punishment or reward, they offer loving, patient, firm, and calm guidance. They believe that, through consistent, caring responses, children will naturally learn to manage their emotions and develop impulse control.

This is such a powerful shift in perspective. Rather than punishing a child for emotional immaturity, Inuit parents support their child in learning to navigate their feelings by staying calm and centered themselves. They understand that yelling or acting out in frustration will only add to the child's confusion and distress. If they feel themselves becoming upset, they don’t engage with the child until they’ve regained their composure. They practice stepping back, sometimes even walking away, to avoid saying something in the heat of the moment that they might regret.

Robert Bly, in his book The Sibling Society, talks about how immaturity is an epidemic in our culture. He argues that we live in a society where too many adults are clinging to immature values, leaving children to figure things out on their own. He asks the question, "Where are the adults?" His critique is a sobering reminder that many of us were raised by parents who were themselves struggling with emotional immaturity, and so the cycle continues.

Our children are not just their behaviors. They're individuals with the potential for growth, but they need the right conditions to thrive—conditions that help them reach their full human potential. Think of a child like an acorn, full of potential to become a strong oak tree. We don’t punish an acorn for not growing fast enough, we adjust the conditions—soil, light, climate—to support its growth. In the same way, we must create the right emotional environment for our children to grow into mature, resilient individuals.

As parents, our job is not to force our children to behave in a certain way but to create a warm, firm, calm home where they feel safe, seen, and heard. It’s not about following a strict set of rules or using “magic” strategies, but about showing up in the tough moments with emotional balance, modeling how to navigate complex emotions like sadness, frustration, and anger without losing control.

Our children learn to self-regulate not by being punished or rewarded, but by observing how we handle our own emotions. We can teach them that all emotions are valid, but we don’t act on them destructively. We can express our feelings without yelling, hitting, or exploding. We can regroup, adapt, and keep moving forward, showing them how to do the same.

I know that my approach to parenting might feel unconventional and challenging, but it’s about seeing our children for who they truly are—not just their behavior. If you're curious about learning more, about seeing your child in a fuller, more compassionate way, I’d love to offer you a free coaching session. Let's explore how we can create a calm, loving environment where your child’s potential can unfold.